Monday, July 20, 2009

2009 MLB All Star Game

Ok, one night later we are in the man cave with the All Star Game about to start. Last nights trip to a sports bar was too loud, too confusing, and too expensive. So it’s Leinenkugels Honey Weis to the rescue. For the record, JB hates the All Star game and CW loves it.

And away we go….Like geniuses we both pick the AL, but are rooting for the NL. Don’t have to be too smart to take the AL; they have won 12 in a row. 30 seconds in, and it’s about kissing St Louis’s ass. Yes, yes, it’s a great baseball city. Let’s move on. One of the things we both like about the All Star game, they wear their own uniforms. I hate the NBA goofy ass things they wear.

Even if you didn’t vote for Obama, it’s cool to see him talk shit with jocks. We finally have a hip president. If you say Joe Nathan’s name all it once, you get Jonathan. JB with that nugget, and after just one beer. I hope he gets funnier with more booze in him. Our perfect little St Louis fans booed Ted Lilly. Which actually, we both respect them for that. I mean he is a Cub!

I think with every pound Prince Fielder puts on, he loses an inch in height. JB just reminds me, “This one counts.” I always think it’s cool watching the introductions and the reactions to all the big stars. Not sure why…it just is.

I think the crowd is trying to chant Yadier Molina but can’t figure out a way to do it. Sheryl Crow is still way hot. What the fuck is wrong with Lance? By the way…she sings pretty well. A smattering of boos for our President. I guess respect doesn’t go beyond the ball diamond in St Louis.

I just remembered how much I hate Tim McCarver. Wish someone would pay me to point at the obvious and bitch that it’s just not like the old days. When I look at the line ups, I don’t see how the NL could lose, but they will. I hate the Giants but man it is fun to watch Tim Lincecum pitch.

JB with this nugget, Prince Fielder is a vegetarian. That’s a lot dead plants in that dude.
Ok, I’ll start complaining now. I hate that they have made this game so serious. I miss Randy Johnson throwing it over Kruk's head and Bonds picking up Tori Hunter and dragging him around. Let’s bring back the fun. More on that later. Lincecum drills Jeter. Jeter is always getting drilled in that hand. Quit diving in there Derek and you won’t get hit!!

Just had a group prayer that Halladay pegs Pujols when he comes up. Then we’ll see how much this one counts. Wow, tough town. Scorer gives Pujols an error in his home town. It was an error, but still. The AL not fooled at all so far by Lincecum as they score 2 in the 1st.

2 out, nobody on in bottom of 1st as Pujols comes to plate. Walk him. Halladay actually makes contact…twice. Lincecum throws him nasty curve. What a pussy move. JB thinks Ichiro's shoes look like Dorothy’s form Wizard of Oz, only silver.

Just as Molina ties up the game, the President drops in a funny line about being out of money for bail outs. Crowd trying to chant Molina again. NL with the lead all of a sudden 3-2. Both pitchers go 2 innings. Let’s let a couple more do the same.

FOX not really having a good night. Missed the President 1st pitch. Barely getting out of the break in time to see the game and now the mic goes dead during the Halladay interview. Now it suddenly becomes a chore to keep up with who is in the game. Utley to 2nd to get Crawford was one of those, “NOOOOO! Yes! Nice play."

Joe Mauer is a fucking stud! Sometimes that’s all you need to say. I hate that they already talk about moving him from catcher. Let him catch! Pujols suddenly is sucking up everything hit his way. 3-3 in the 7th and it’s a pretty good game. But no homers yet. This game needs some fireworks.

Carl Crawford’s catch was awesome and will probably be remembered as the best play of the game. And that’s the problem! Never watched a more boring tied game in the 7th.Nothing like watching the Flomax replay. I can’t remember what Flomax does, but I like saying it. Nothing like watching all the biggest stars sitting on the bench with the game tied in the 8th.

And the AL wins again. Good game I guess. Just lacks the fun this game is supposed to have. I know I’m supposed to be the one who likes this game, but it sucked. I’m fed up with the “This one counts” bullshit. I smell a column coming.

2009 MLB Home Run Derby (Yawn)

Last night I gathered with friends at a local sports bar to watch MLB’s best sluggers send balls flying towards the arch. A good reason to get with friends, drink some Leinenkugels, and be entertained by the always entertaining Home Run Derby. Sorry, sorry…the State Farm Home Run Derby. But seriously, the most entertaining part of the night was watching some tiny girl order 18 wings, then keeping an eye on her to see if she could eat them all. She didn’t by the way, but it was a good effort.

And I guess it was a good effort by the hitters who participated to entertain us. But they didn’t. It really seemed like one of the more lack luster Home Run Derbys in recent memory. Where was Josh Hamilton hitting all those bombs after kicking the habit of being bombed? Where were Sosa and McGuire launching them out of Fenway? Jesus, and I can’t believe I’m saying it, it was fun watching Bonds knock the shit out of the ball and wondering how far they would go and many he would launch (for the record, Bonds is an ass hole). So where did it all go wrong, and what can be done? Let’s take a look.

It started painfully with the new State Farm contest to win a car, or a house, or some shit. It took longer to explain all the rules then it did for Albert Pujols to hit two dribblers to left. But then Cruz came up and hit 11 in the 1st round, and hit most of them way out. We could only imagine what Pujols and Fielder would do. Speaking of Fielder, he was next and also hit 11 including a couple bombs. Then….snooze city. A collection of guys hitting 5 or 7….or less.Mild drama when 3 players tied for 5 and had to go to a swing off. Which we quickly renamed a whack off. Jack off got some votes, but seemed too childish. Speaking of childish, we both giggled when Steve Phillips said all these players can go both ways.

So what can we do? Lets start with the obvious….bribe them. Offer the winner a million dollars, let him give half to charity and watch players knock each other down to get into this thing. How about we suspend the drug policy a couple weeks before the contest so these players can get juiced back up. I mean don’t we want to see the ball fly out at an alarming pace for this. And with the charity thing, it’s for a good cause. There also needs to be some kind of rule that at least one of the players entered needs to have some great story. Back from injury, or rehab, or dying relative. I mean everyone loved Josh Hamilton last year. Loved him to the point that I think ESPN forgot that he didn’t win…Justin Morneau did. And that’s the point. Nobody remembers that and nobody really cares because it was a blast getting caught up in Hamilton’s story and watching him bash the shit out of the ball.

So move the plate up, or juice the balls, or juice the players, (or both) then get out of the way and let the fun begin!

UFC 100 Play by Play

We’ve been looking forward to UFC 100 for several weeks and it’s finally here. It began with an all day pre fight get to together and ended with some action packed MMA action. We smoked some pork in the afternoon for some BBQ sandwiches at fight time, had burgers, brats, and lots of Leinenkugel’s Summer Shady. Hey it’s the official beer of the SportStew. We kept a rough diary of our adventures, opinions, and random mumblings during the fghts. Watching the fight were Swiss Hammer, Daisy, Nutz, and myself, JB. For the record, I don’t know why they call him Swiss Hammer and I don’t really want to know.

And now… IT’S TIME. Thanks Bruce. Hey UFC, I hear Lillian Garcia is a free agent and that would be a nice upgrade. Holly Madison is the guest ring girl. I think I’ve seen her naked. For even more eye candy, do a Google search for “UFC ring girls.” The mat is covered with blood; there must have been some good prelim scraps.

Belcher vs. Akiyama

Did Akiyama come out to that song at the end of Step Brothers? Belcher attacks, Akiyama counters, and Belcher lands a big kick to the nuts. It looks like Akiyama has X’s for eyes. Nutz: “I’d grow out my toe nails and cut them.” Fight resumes. Belcher lands a huge right and puts Akiyama down. They’re both back up. Both fighters exchange strikes. Akiyama with a late takedown and a punch after the bell has Belcher pissed. In between rounds we learn Holly is starring in something called Peep Show. Interesting. Akiyama with a quick take down to begin round 2 and Belcher counters with what Swiss Hammer calls a “reverse banana split.” Is that even a move? A very close round, each fighter had their moments. Nutz: “One of my ex girlfriend was called fun bags.” Swiss Hammer keeps calling Belcher, Owen Wilson. Belcher takes control as the third round begins. Akiyama’s left eye is swelled shut, I think. Akiyama starts his attack and sneaks in some good counter strikes. Another great round, lots of strikes by both fighters. Predictions… JB: Akiyama split dec; Daisy Akiyama split dec; Nutz: draw;SH: Belcher majority dec.

Akiyama wins by split decision and both Rogan and Goldberg think Belcher got robbed. Apparently they don’t know shit.

Hendo vs. the Count

Next up is Henderson and Bisping. We all are pulling for Henderson and unanimously think Bisping is an arrogant prick. True dat. Bisping opens the fight with jabs while Hendo is stalking him around the ring. Hendo looks very relaxed and Bisping is wound tight, almost looks sickly. Bisping eats a right and is hurt but is able to doge any further damage. The Count looks recovered. Hendo in the clinch and knees galore to Bisping. Round 1 was completely controlled by Hendo. Swiss Hammer calls Bisping “Count Chocula.” Hendo is stalking Bisping again as round 2 starts. He’s controlling the ring and really pushing Bisping around. Hendo catches Bisping with a crushing right hand counter and knocks him cold. Sweet, Hendo land a forearm shiver for good measure before the ref can stop it. We can’t stop jumping around and High 5ing. Awesome. The winner by KTFO, Dan Henderson. Nutz does a perfect imitation of Bruce the Performance Artist from Family Guy. Its cracking me up

GSP vs. Alves

I just got caught humming the new Pink song. O man. Here comes GSP in his best karate kid outfit. Wax on Georges. GSP with a 6 inch reach advantage, might he use that to his advantage? Might. Alves looks like he’s on crack, really pumped up. The Pitbull totally steals Diego’s praying thing. Touch of gloves and we’re on. Slow touchy feely start. Takedown GSP. Another takedown and GSP gets Alves’ back with both hooks in. Great reversal by Thiago and both on feet now. Another takedown by GSP. GSP has a King Kong size cup. Daisy: “Look how big his cock is.”Alves opens round 2 and looks pissed. GSP with another takedown and lands elbows and punches. Thiago is bleeding from the nose and right eye. Alves shows some great defense from his back and weathers the storm. Round 3. Alves finally mounts some offense and then GSP gets the takedown. GSP in complete control and floors Alves with a right and throws ground and pound the rest of the round. This is getting old, GSP is good. Alves gains the top on a scramble after another GSP takedown. Thiago lands some shots in St Pierre’s guard. GSP scores another takedown, transitions to the back, and tries for a rear naked choke as the 4th round ends. Greg Jackson just told GSP to “Hit him with your groin.” Funny stuff. GSP has pulled a groin muscle but it doesn’t matter. Round 5 is more GSP takedowns and he wins an unanimous decision. I’m not sure if anyone can beat him at welterweight, dominant performance again. They should check his cup, could be a weapon

Mir vs. Lesnar

Lesnar walks to the ring to Metallica’s Enter Sandman. Mir already has a lump on the right side of his head and a heavily bandaged knee. JB “Lesnar's back tattoo is awesome.” Nutz: “His sword tat looks like the underside of a dick.” He’s right, it really does. Lesnar with the dis and wont touch gloves. There’s the bell. Lesnar gets the take down and moves to side control. Lesnar landing punches but Mir appears to remain calm. Mir is bleeding already. Brock with a headlock looking thing, maybe a neck crank, and is landing some vicious clubs to Mir’s face. SH: “Oh geez, Mir looks like hamburger.” Round 2 begins. Mir lands a nice knee and then a jumping knee. Lesnar gets the takedown and has Mir trapped against the fence, almost facedown. A constant series of rights makes Herb Dean jump in. It’s over. What an ass kicking. WTF, Lesnar gets in Mir’s face and is yelling at him. Brock then flips off crowd and antagonizes them while he disses a major UFC sponsor. What a classless dueche bag.

Fitch vs. Thiago
We didn’t really pay any attention to this fight. Why was it last? O well.

A good ending to a great night of fights and an even better day of hanging with the crew. Hope you enjoyed, we sure did.

Added 7/15/09

I wanted to add some tidbits. I just saw the fighter payouts on Sherdog. Lesnar earned $400,000 for his less than 10 minutes of fight time. Here are some others: GSP $400,000; Mir $45,000; Alves $60,000; Henderson $350,000; Bisping $150,000. That’s a lot of money, but these guys have made countless sacrifices to make this a living and climb the mma ladder. Congrats.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Better to be Stupid than an A-hole

Ok, nobody really aspires to be stupid or an asshole. But if you had to be one or the other, I would choose to be stupid. And now there is proof to back up that decision. When the news started to spread that Manny Ramirez had tested positive for some hormone used to cover up steroid use, a few people were shocked and surprised. But most just rolled their eyes and muttered, “what a dip shit”. If there is a surprise, it has to be how anyone can be that stupid. The MLB drug test is a good deterrent, but it takes a moron to fail it! I mean it’s the ultimate open book test. You know when it’s coming and you know what they’re testing for.

But the real point here is the acceptance and almost immediate forgiving of Manny Ramirez. Even fans of other teams shrug there shoulders and shake their heads as if to say “oh well”. It’s like when the goofy kid on your kids tee ball team, with his hat on backwards and glove on the wrong hand, hits the ball then chases after it before the other kids can field it. You just put your hand over your face, try not to laugh out loud, and holler encouragement to the rest of the team. “Come on Juan Pierre, you can do it!”

And in LA they still have Manny Wood, the wigs still sell off the rack, and I’m sure number 99 still on the backs of fans all over the park. Compare this to our old friend Barry Bonds. Barry was never caught using steroids, never really admitted it, sure as Hell didn’t apologize for anything, and treated everyone who questioned him like trash he throws away (actually he treats everyone like that). People are so pissed at Barry Bonds; they’re counting the days until A-Rod (another cheater) breaks his record. Nobody will hire him to hit balls out of their ball park, and I’m guessing Bonds uniforms leftover in sporting goods stores are being given away if you buy a pair of Nikes. Now this goes beyond the fact the Manny served a suspension and Barry didn’t. Manny hasn’t apologized publicly yet either. Manny hasn’t truly admitted he was cheating. I think he said he was trying to get pregnant. But Bonds made a career out of being smug, arrogant, and treating people around him like they were a lower level of humans. And trust me, it goes beyond the fact that Bonds broke Babe’s record. It’s all very simple actually….

Bonds is an asshole, Manny is just plain stupid.